“I lent a friend of mine money for plastic surgery, now I don’t know what he looks like.” — Freaky Freddie
From Trev.
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CURTAIN RODS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home………
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?
“Putpockets” give a little extra cash
LONDON (Reuters) – Visitors to London always have to be on the look out for pickpockets, but now there’s another, more positive phenomenon on the loose — putpockets.
Aware that people are suffering in the economic crisis, 20 former pickpockets have turned over a new leaf and are now trawling London’s tourist sites slipping money back into unsuspecting pockets.
Anything from 5 pounds ($8US) to 20 pound notes is being surreptitiously deposited in unguarded pockets or open handbags in Trafalgar Square, Covent Garden and other busy spots.
The initiative, which runs until the end of August in London before being rolled out countrywide, is being funded by a broadbrand provider, which says it wants to brighten up people’s lives in unusual ways.
“It feels good to give something back for a change — and Britons certainly need it in the current economic climate,” said Chris Fitch, a former pickpocket who now heads TalkTalk’s putpocketing initiative.
“Every time I put money back in someone’s pocket, I feel less guilty about the fact I spent many years taking it out.”
London’s police have been briefed about the plan, which will see at least 100,000 pounds given away.
Man dies after falling into vat of chocolate in NJ
CAMDEN, N.J. – Authorities say a man died after falling into a vat of melted chocolate in a New Jersey processing plant.
The Camden County prosecutor’s office identified the victim as 29-year-old Vincent Smith II of Camden. He was a temporary worker at the Cocoa Services Inc. plant.
The accident happened Wednesday morning as Smith was loading chocolate into a vat where it’s melted and mixed before being shipped elsewhere to be made into candy.
Prosecutor’s spokesman Jason Laughlin says a co-worker tried to shut off the machine and two others tried to pull Smith out of the 8-foot-deep vat. He was hit and fatally injured by the agitator that mixes the chocolate.
Cocoa Services hires a second company – Lyons and Sons – to do the mixing.
Tenn. couple accused of assault using Cheetos
SHELBYVILLE, Tenn. – Authorities said a couple got into a fight using Cheetos. The Bedford County Sheriff’s Department said a 40-year-old man and 44-year-old woman became involved in a ‘verbal altercation.’ Somehow, the orange puffy snacks were used in the assault.
Deputies said they were charged with domestic assault. No one was hurt.
According to the Shelbyville Times-Gazette, both posted bond of $2,500.
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Information from: Shelbyville Times-Gazette
15 months for chicken suit attack – HORNCASTLE, England (UPI) — A British man who admitted biting off another man’s ear while dressed in a chicken suit was sentenced to 15months in jail. James Key, 20, admitted in Lincoln Crown Court he attacked Benjamin Miller, 23, after chasing him from a nightclub in Horncastle, England, The Sun reported. Key, who was dressed as a chicken at the time of the attack, pleaded guilty to wounding Miller and assaulting the victim’s girlfriend.
Three sisters in 40s graduate together – RALEIGH, N.C. (UPI) — North Carolinian Valerie Noel says graduating from the University of Phoenix with her two younger sisters was the culmination of a collaborative dream. Noel said she and her sisters obtained human services/management bachelor’s degrees at the Raleigh, N.C., campus of the for-profit educational institution thanks to their ability to lean on one another in their individual times of need, The (Raleigh) News & Observer reported Sunday.”When you didn’t think you could go on, we could call on each other,”she said. “We could help each other.”
Some funny Dear Abby letters from Snopes.
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DEAR ABBY: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years. We see each
other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he
never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what
he can get?
GERTIE
DEAR GERTIE: I don’t know. What’s he getting?
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d
like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d
like?
CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.
DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
KAY
DEAR KAY: Only if they don’t work.
DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had
a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a
baby this big be that early?
WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?
CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it’s the last thing I want to do.
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the
same time?
JAKE
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.
DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is seventy-three and
he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions?
ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE: Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he
ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.
DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
SAM IN CAL.
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.
DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?
TED
DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, “I’ve
heard a lot about you”?
RITA
DEAR RITA: It depends on what you’ve heard.
DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age
with no bad habits.
ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.
DEAR ABBY: What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?
BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.
Police: Conn. woman bitten after ‘bite me’ remark (AP) – MERIDEN, Conn. – An instructor at the Connecticut Police Academy has been charged with disorderly conduct after he allegedly responded literally to a co-worker’s “bite me” remark. Francis Woodruff, a former Waterbury police captain, was arraigned Tuesday and released on a promise to appear in court. He was accused of biting the arm of 42-year-old Rochelle Wyler, a license and applications analyst at the academy, on April 24. According to the arrest report, she was left with teeth marks and bruising on her left triceps. Wyler filed a complaint April 28, alleging the 51-year-old Woodruff was agitating her by calling her a clerk. She said she responded with “bite me”— and he did. Woodruff, who also is a training co-ordinator with the Meriden Police, told authorities he was joking around.
Report: Olympic torch resembles a joint — VANCOUVER, British Columbia (UPI) — The ceremonial torch for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver, Canada, resembles a hand-rolled marijuana joint, observers say. Unofficially designated British Columbia’s largest cash crop, marijuana is popular in Canada’s westernmost province, and the Toronto Star’s bureau there said there’s a lot of nudging and winking about the torch’s similarity to a “spliff.” “I’m sure the organizers didn’t intend for it to look like a joint, but that’s what a lot of people are seeing,” said Jodie Emery, editor of Cannabis Culture magazine. The 3-foot-long Olympic torch will be carried by 12,000 people in relays across 28,000 miles before the Games. It was designed to resemble the lines left behind by skiers and skaters on snow and ice, and is built out of stainless steel, aluminum and sheet molding, the report said.
Cops: Driver was under influence of bowl of cereal (AP) NEEDHAM, Mass. – A Massachusetts man may wish he had breakfast in bed instead of in his car. Police said a man who was stopped for erratic driving on Central Avenue last week was eating a bowl of cereal and milk while he drove. He told officers he was hungry. Lt. John Schlittler told The Boston Globe that the 48-year-old man, whose name was not released, was also driving with an expired license. The man has been cited for unlicensed operation, failure to stay in lanes and operating to endanger. Schlittler didn’t know what kind of cereal the driver was eating.
Race car made of veggies runs on chocolate – COVENTRY, England (UPI) — A British university team has unveiled a new race car that includes vegetables among its components and runs on chocolate and vegetable oil. The WorldFirst team of Warwick University said their car can reach 145 mph and includes a body made from potatoes, a steering wheel made from carrots and a seat made from soy beans, The Sun reported Tuesday. The team said the car uses only plant-based lubricants and the vehicle’s biodiesel engine runs on vegetable oil and refined oils from chocolate. Team members said they are hoping Formula One racing officials will change regulations to allow the car and its unusual fuel to participate in championship races. “We hope the Formula One teams will see that an environmentally friendly car is not necessarily a slow car,” a team spokesman said. “We expect our new materials to be used by the Formula One cars of the future.”
The comment section is now fixed. This is both good and bad news. It’s good news for me because now I can see what you have to say. And it’s bad news for you because now I can backtalk again!
I am aware of the problem on this site involving comments. At present it will not allow anyone to leave any comments. It’s not my fault, I wasn’t even there. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I contacted WordPress about the problem and they assured me that my call was very important to them. So the only news I have is that this problem is being looked into. Meanwhile, if you would like to leave a comment, you will have to use an alternate method. Simply lean in towards your computer screen and shout your comment into it. I will get back to you, eventually.
Mass. lake with 45-letter name has spelling errors (AP) – WEBSTER, Mass. – Officials have agreed to correct spelling errors in road signs pointing to a central Massachusetts lake with a 45-letter name. Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg in Webster has one of the world’s longest place names. It’s been spelled many different ways over the years. Some locals have given up and simply call it Lake Webster. But after researching historical spelling combinations, the Telegram & Gazette of Worcester said local Chamber of Commerce officials agreed that some signs were wrong. There was an “o” at letter 20 where a “u” should have been, and an “h” at letter 38 where an “n” should go. There are many stories and legends about the origin of the Indian name. One popular myth — later debunked — holds that the name translates roughly to ‘You fish on your side, I fish on my side, and nobody fish in the middle.’
Woody Harrelson claims he mistook photographer for zombieBy Alan Duke CNN – -UPDATED: 04.10.09 From CNN — Woody Harrelson defended his clash with a photographer at a New York airport Wednesday night as a case of mistaken identity — he says he mistook the cameraman for a zombie.
Lady and I dated for seven years before we got married twenty years ago today. Happy Anniversary Babe!
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