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“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.”
—Frank Zappa
Scary Personals is exactly what it sounds like.
Maybe scared was the wrong word.
Amused is more like it.
Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.
Save time… See it my way.
The only thing you have to do is breathe. Everything else is just optional.
People spend their health for wealth, then spend their wealth for health.
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.
Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.
The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There were two factories in New York City.
One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the Mothers Frockers.”
The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles.
They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the “Cork Soakers”.
One day a Cork Soaker didn’t soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.
That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking fight you ever saw.
I’ve done a few stories about my boat and the island. I think I should post pictures of them to give you an idea of what the heck I’m talking about. So here, without further adieu, are pictures of both the boat and the island.
This is the boat, ‘Coral Reefer’. She has two full bedrooms, a full bath and a kitchen with a glass cooktop, microwave and refrigerator/freezer. For you nautical types thats two berths, a head and a galley. The microwave has been known to produce a fine gourmet meal known as ‘Dinty Moore Beef Stew’. She’s twenty seven and a half feet of waterbourne fun.
And this is my favorite destination, the island on the Ohio river.
We are getting very close, weatherwise, to a trip down that river. I can’t wait.
“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.”
—Frank Zappa
Today was the funeral of a good friend. It is a sad occasion. But it really has a lot to do with how you view it. Here is a different take on it. I hope you like it.
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said,
“Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.”
Very quietly, the doctor said, “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?”
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, “Did you notice my dog?
He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here,
And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing…
I know my Master is there and that is enough.”
May today there be peace within you.
Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.
Save time… See it my way.
The only thing you have to do is breathe. Everything else is just optional.
People spend their health for wealth, then spend their wealth for health.
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.
Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.
The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There were two factories in New York City.
One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the Mothers Frockers.”
The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles.
They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the “Cork Soakers”.
One day a Cork Soaker didn’t soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.
That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking fight you ever saw.
I’ve done a few stories about my boat and the island. I think I should post pictures of them to give you an idea of what the heck I’m talking about. So here, without further adieu, are pictures of both the boat and the island.
This is the boat, ‘Coral Reefer’. She has two full bedrooms, a full bath and a kitchen with a glass cooktop, microwave and refrigerator/freezer. For you nautical types thats two berths, a head and a galley. The microwave has been known to produce a fine gourmet meal known as ‘Dinty Moore Beef Stew’. She’s twenty seven and a half feet of waterbourne fun.
And this is my favorite destination, the island on the Ohio river.
We are getting very close, weatherwise, to a trip down that river. I can’t wait.
Today was the funeral of a good friend. It is a sad occasion. But it really has a lot to do with how you view it. Here is a different take on it. I hope you like it.
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said,
“Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.”
Very quietly, the doctor said, “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?”
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, “Did you notice my dog?
He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here,
And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing…
I know my Master is there and that is enough.”
May today there be peace within you.
Scary Personals is exactly what it sounds like.
Maybe scared was the wrong word.
Amused is more like it.
“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.”
—Frank Zappa
Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.
Save time… See it my way.
The only thing you have to do is breathe. Everything else is just optional.
People spend their health for wealth, then spend their wealth for health.
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.
Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.
The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There were two factories in New York City.
One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the Mothers Frockers.”
The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles.
They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the “Cork Soakers”.
One day a Cork Soaker didn’t soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.
That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking fight you ever saw.
I’ve done a few stories about my boat and the island. I think I should post pictures of them to give you an idea of what the heck I’m talking about. So here, without further adieu, are pictures of both the boat and the island.
This is the boat, ‘Coral Reefer’. She has two full bedrooms, a full bath and a kitchen with a glass cooktop, microwave and refrigerator/freezer. For you nautical types thats two berths, a head and a galley. The microwave has been known to produce a fine gourmet meal known as ‘Dinty Moore Beef Stew’. She’s twenty seven and a half feet of waterbourne fun.
And this is my favorite destination, the island on the Ohio river.
We are getting very close, weatherwise, to a trip down that river. I can’t wait.
Today was the funeral of a good friend. It is a sad occasion. But it really has a lot to do with how you view it. Here is a different take on it. I hope you like it.
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said,
“Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.”
Very quietly, the doctor said, “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?”
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, “Did you notice my dog?
He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here,
And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing…
I know my Master is there and that is enough.”
May today there be peace within you.
Eurobad 74 Europe’s worst interiors circa 1974.
The Making Of Lauren Step by step creation of a mannequin.
Animals Gone Funny Just what it says.
Dead Or Alive Let’s you check to see if famous people are, you know.
Steve Don’t Eat It This one is mandatory. You have to read his review of ‘Beggin Strips”. This is a quote taken from his review of a product called “Natto”,
“Also, nestled in this mound of compost was a li’l packet of mustard. In its place, I would strongly suggest a written apology.”
These are comments made by people who probably wish they hadn’t said that.
“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious.”
- Alan Minter, Boxer
“I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.”
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress
“This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven’t heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time.”
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
“During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails.”
- AP report describing Fresno State basketballcoach Jerry Tarkanian
“Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.”
- Bill Peterson, football coach
“The Internet is a great way to get on the net.”
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.”
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer
And some signs are no better.
In a bus station.
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG & GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
All small children knows these facts. You probably used to as well.
9. If it tastes really bad, the teacher knows a song about how great it is!
8. In a pinch, glue is an acceptable condiment.
7. Absolutely everything tastes better with chocolate syrup or ketchup on it.
6. Most blue food you find in the fridge will make the puppy sick.
5. Mom’s M&M cookies are worth two sandwiches and a dead frog.
4. Dr. Pepper supplies the best on-demand burps.
3. Most foods can be used as finger paints when necessary.
2. Your dog, your cat and your one-year-old brother all look the same eating peanut butter.
And the #1 Thing Every Kindergartner Knows About Food ;
1. Happy Meal french fries last longer than the Happy Meal toys….but the toys taste better.
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