You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2006.
You need help getting the breathalyzer in the right hole.
You lost a fistfight with yourself.
It takes two shots of schnapps to wash the taste of Breathalyzer out of your mouth.
You like to stop for a drink on the way to the fridge to get a beer.
You went on vacation for two weeks and the owner of your regular bar had his boat repossessed.
You’ve asked a bartender to “freshen up” your shot glass.
Bars call in their off-duty bartenders when you walk in the door.
You’ve asked a waiter: “What sort of wine goes with vodka?”
When buying floor tile, you press your face against it to see how comfortable it would be to sleep on.
You get into a loud, enraged argument, then realize you’re alone.
Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.
—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
“‘I have done that,’ says my memory. ‘I cannot have done that’ – says my pride, and remains adamant. At last – memory yields.”
—Friedrich Nietzsche
I had posted a fake photo and story about Sweet due to unwanted advances by a certain someone. We wanted to show what a bad idea it is to flirt on the internet. And we believe we made our point. She was never closer than 2500 miles from here. Oh, and she is NOT 250 pounds, or even close to it.
I will now post the real Sweet in order to allow her to save face. The woman who stood in for Sweet was an actress. Here is the real her.
FOOTNOTE: Sweet is even more beautiful on the inside.
You need help getting the breathalyzer in the right hole.
You lost a fistfight with yourself.
It takes two shots of schnapps to wash the taste of Breathalyzer out of your mouth.
You like to stop for a drink on the way to the fridge to get a beer.
You went on vacation for two weeks and the owner of your regular bar had his boat repossessed.
You’ve asked a bartender to “freshen up” your shot glass.
Bars call in their off-duty bartenders when you walk in the door.
You’ve asked a waiter: “What sort of wine goes with vodka?”
When buying floor tile, you press your face against it to see how comfortable it would be to sleep on.
You get into a loud, enraged argument, then realize you’re alone.
I have another new reader (number 15,002), and he has his own blog. I was checking it out and he ROCKS. He knows good music and he knows good movies. That seems to be getting rarer today.
Anyway, his name is Pete and his site, which is called ‘Time Well Spent’, is here. Check him out and tell him Tramp sent ya.
Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.
—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
“‘I have done that,’ says my memory. ‘I cannot have done that’ – says my pride, and remains adamant. At last – memory yields.”
—Friedrich Nietzsche
Corrine has a pretty good idea. I’m in.
This has my FULL support — I’m ready to go backwards right now!
I think the life cycle is all backwards.You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
I have another new reader (number 15,002), and he has his own blog. I was checking it out and he ROCKS. He knows good music and he knows good movies. That seems to be getting rarer today.
Anyway, his name is Pete and his site, which is called ‘Time Well Spent’, is here. Check him out and tell him Tramp sent ya.
Corrine has a pretty good idea. I’m in.
This has my FULL support — I’m ready to go backwards right now!
I think the life cycle is all backwards.You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
Corrine gave me this diary which belonged to a Texan. Interesting reading.
Dear Diary:
May 30th: Just moved to Dallas…Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and bits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th: It’s 106 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 95. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.
Aug. 8th: If I hear another wise crack, “Hot enough for you today?”, I’m going to strangle him. Heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my butt was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.
Aug. 10th: The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do use the toilet for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this desert?? Water rationing will be next, so might $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the pool. Even the cactus can’t live in this heat.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here???
Carrie, from the Moon Connection, is here to tell about a new diet that seems to keep nosy people at bay.
Purina Diet
I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out and the woman behind me asked if I had a dog? On impulse, I told her no, but that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly the guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.
.
Because she smells like a new truck!
It is with great sadness I report this story. But it involves my beloved river and must be told.
Runaway car plows through crowded riverbank, injuring 10 spectators at Regatta
The Madison Regatta was cut short Sunday when a car plowed through a crowded riverfront embankment shortly before the start of the final heat of the Indiana Governor’s Cup.
Among first responders to the scene was Matt Brawner, 21, a Kent Volunteer Fire Department volunteer who witnessed the accident.“I saw a black vehicle hit the crowd going at least 55 to 60 miles per hour,” he said. “I saw a leg go flying off into the river.” A man who lost his leg was among spectators who received medical attention immediately after the accident.“There was also a little girl, maybe 9 or 10, I saw lying near the shore,” he said. “The car hit her head-on.”Brawner said the car flew through the air and came down against a concrete culvert, then flipped and fishtailed as it made its way through a crowd of people into the water.“You couldn’t tell the front of the car from the back by the time it went into the water,” he said.“I worked on five people immediately after the accident, but there were many more who were injured,” Brawner said. “We also are assisting a lot of people at the scene who are in shock. Some are fainting and in need of water and air. Others just want to talk about what they just saw. We are trying to get them to talk about something else to settle them down.”John Kinman of Vevay was standing with family members under a tent about 25 feet from the accident scene when he saw a car speeding at least 50 mph toward the river.“I saw the car hit a woman up along Jefferson Street,” he said. “Then, the car hit a culvert, went flying through the air before driving through the crowd and taking out people,” he said. “I saw a man run over half way down and a young girl lying down by the water who was being administered CPR immediately after the accident,” Kinman said.
Witnesses described the scene as scary and surreal, or even like a scene from a Hollywood movie.
Seconds before the accident, Wilson remembered hearing a scream from the crowd followed by a loud “crunching sound.” The crunching sound was a golf cart that was smashed onto the hood of Bowen’s car as it continued its disastrous decent down the crowded embankment.“When I saw it (car) coming, I saw bodies flying everywhere,” Duncan said. “It headed where kids were playing on the bank.”Wilson added, “It looked like a Hollywood stage, people were flying everywhere.”After the accident, rescue divers who already were on the riverfront for the Regatta quickly swarmed around the car. Wilson and Duncan were impressed with how quickly rescue units responded. Wilson said a diver swam to the driver’s-side window and punched the glass with his bare hands to rescue the driver.On the bank, rescue workers immediately began first aid on the victims. They continued first aid until EMS arrived.
Corrine gave me this diary which belonged to a Texan. Interesting reading.
Dear Diary:
May 30th: Just moved to Dallas…Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and bits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th: It’s 106 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 95. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.
Aug. 8th: If I hear another wise crack, “Hot enough for you today?”, I’m going to strangle him. Heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my butt was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.
Aug. 10th: The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do use the toilet for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this desert?? Water rationing will be next, so might $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the pool. Even the cactus can’t live in this heat.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here???
Carrie, from the Moon Connection, is here to tell about a new diet that seems to keep nosy people at bay.
Purina Diet
I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out and the woman behind me asked if I had a dog? On impulse, I told her no, but that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly the guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.
.
Because she smells like a new truck!
I have another new reader (number 15,002), and he has his own blog. I was checking it out and he ROCKS. He knows good music and he knows good movies. That seems to be getting rarer today.
Anyway, his name is Pete and his site, which is called ‘Time Well Spent’, is here. Check him out and tell him Tramp sent ya.
It is with great sadness I report this story. But it involves my beloved river and must be told.
Runaway car plows through crowded riverbank, injuring 10 spectators at Regatta
The Madison Regatta was cut short Sunday when a car plowed through a crowded riverfront embankment shortly before the start of the final heat of the Indiana Governor’s Cup.
Among first responders to the scene was Matt Brawner, 21, a Kent Volunteer Fire Department volunteer who witnessed the accident.“I saw a black vehicle hit the crowd going at least 55 to 60 miles per hour,” he said. “I saw a leg go flying off into the river.” A man who lost his leg was among spectators who received medical attention immediately after the accident.“There was also a little girl, maybe 9 or 10, I saw lying near the shore,” he said. “The car hit her head-on.”Brawner said the car flew through the air and came down against a concrete culvert, then flipped and fishtailed as it made its way through a crowd of people into the water.“You couldn’t tell the front of the car from the back by the time it went into the water,” he said.“I worked on five people immediately after the accident, but there were many more who were injured,” Brawner said. “We also are assisting a lot of people at the scene who are in shock. Some are fainting and in need of water and air. Others just want to talk about what they just saw. We are trying to get them to talk about something else to settle them down.”John Kinman of Vevay was standing with family members under a tent about 25 feet from the accident scene when he saw a car speeding at least 50 mph toward the river.“I saw the car hit a woman up along Jefferson Street,” he said. “Then, the car hit a culvert, went flying through the air before driving through the crowd and taking out people,” he said. “I saw a man run over half way down and a young girl lying down by the water who was being administered CPR immediately after the accident,” Kinman said.
Witnesses described the scene as scary and surreal, or even like a scene from a Hollywood movie.
Seconds before the accident, Wilson remembered hearing a scream from the crowd followed by a loud “crunching sound.” The crunching sound was a golf cart that was smashed onto the hood of Bowen’s car as it continued its disastrous decent down the crowded embankment.“When I saw it (car) coming, I saw bodies flying everywhere,” Duncan said. “It headed where kids were playing on the bank.”Wilson added, “It looked like a Hollywood stage, people were flying everywhere.”After the accident, rescue divers who already were on the riverfront for the Regatta quickly swarmed around the car. Wilson and Duncan were impressed with how quickly rescue units responded. Wilson said a diver swam to the driver’s-side window and punched the glass with his bare hands to rescue the driver.On the bank, rescue workers immediately began first aid on the victims. They continued first aid until EMS arrived.
You warn your children about illegal drugs and how detrimental they can be. Perhaps you even show them what illegal drugs look like in order to help them avoid illegal drugs. But do you really know what illegal drugs look like today?
Marijuana Hidden in Gumballs
Recently police found smiley face gum-balls filled with marijuana at a Howard County high school! Inside of each them, 1 gram of pot! And now we’re learning police are dealing with a similar case in Arlington.
Single Marijuana Gumball
But that is just the tip of the iceberg. Take a look at what else is out there today.
Unbelievable. Soft drinks, candy bars, even Pop Tarts are not immune. And all of these contain illegal drugs. They are obviously designed to appeal to children. But what kind of individual tries to increase his profit by targeting precious and innocent children. There must be a special place in hell for these individuals. But they are among us now. It is up to parents to keep their children informed of these dangers. And it is up to me to keep parents informed. I’m doing my part. Be sure to do yours.
All pictures and information supplied courtesy of the United States Drug Enforcement Agency and Carrie from the Moon Connection. I thank them for their excellent work in uncovering these types of dangers.
NOTE TO ALL OTHERS: Feel free to copy this article and spread it around as much as possible. Our children are depending on you.
Corrine has a pretty good idea. I’m in.
This has my FULL support — I’m ready to go backwards right now!
I think the life cycle is all backwards.You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
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