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From Re, a friend of Trev’s,
who seems to like making trouble just as much as Trev does!
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An older woman was somewhat lonely and decided
she needed a pet to keep her company.
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So, off to the pet shop she went.
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She searched and searched.
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None of the pets seemed to catch her interest,
except this ugly frog.
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As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
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He whispered, “I’M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.
YOU WON’T EVER BE SORRY.”
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The woman figured what the heck!
She hadn’t found anything else.
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So, she bought the frog.
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She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
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As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her
“KISS ME AND YOU WON’T BE SORRY.”
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So the woman decided,
WHAT THE HECK,
and kissed the frog.
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IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous,
sexy, young, handsome prince.
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THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLDER WOMAN’S KISS.
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SUDDENLY THE WOMAN FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.
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CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE WOMAN TURNED INTO?
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COME ON GUESS!
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OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON
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DON’T BE A POOP!
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SHE TURNED INTO
SHE TURNED INTO
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THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN
SHE COULD FIND!!!
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She’s older.
NOT DEAD !
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WE LADIES ROCK!!!
From…
Uhh…
I’m not sure, but I’m gonna blame Carrie.
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This is from your female editors….
that’s my contribution, and I am sticking to it!
The Seamstress
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord again dipped into the river.
He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her
all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
“Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.
“Yes,” cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious.
“You lied! That is an untruth!”
The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord, it is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney , you would have come up with Brad Pitt . Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is this:
Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
“Money doesn’t talk, it swears.” – Bob Dylan
From Carrie.
I guessed this was made up.
It seemed like something entirely too stupid for a man in his position to do.
So I checked it out. It is true, according to Snopes and other sources.
But I’m not going to call him a jerk for that.
No, I’d say Jackass fits better.
Here is an open letter from me to Mr. Obama;
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Dear Barack,
Dear misguided and confused Barack,
This is the United States of America. You may have noticed. You should have. We don’t try to hide it.
You also may have noticed this. We are a patriotic people. We love our country. And we love our traditions and symbolic gestures to show the world that we do indeed love her.
Our President, our leader, leads us in everything, including these very important displays of respect and loyalty, and yes, love, for our country. If you don’t want to do it, then I believe you are the wrong man for the job.
Sorry Barack, you don’t have what it takes. Now go on and get out of this race. It seems to be a bit much for your ability to comprehend the true meaning so deeply involved with it.
Perhaps some day down the road… No, that’s a lie, you just never will understand. Might as well stop trying.
Think about it, as you (probably for the first time) look through an American History textbook. Our Presidents had names like George, Thomas, John, Ronald, Gerald, Richard, and William. Can you see how ‘Barack’ is not like them? There is a reason for that. A very good reason, in fact.
Also, all of our Presidents were intelligent men (yes, including Bush , he just hides it well.)
In a way, the Presidency is like a marriage. It is not a fun job. It doesn’t pay all THAT well. There has to be a love. Each and every one of them never hesitated in placing their hands on their heart during the National Anthem. Every last one of them were among the first in the crowd to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. It was never a problem for them, they truly love this country and always will.
If you loved this country, Barack, these symbolic gestures would not be a problem for you.
Ask yourself this, Barack. Would you die for this country? All of us, each and every one of us, would lay it all on the line for our country in a New York minute! (That means a very small amount of time, Barack)
So perhaps you can see how unlike them you really are, can’t you? It’s just not going to work. We all feel terrible about it. Really we do.
Go on now. Git!
Yeah, yeah. I hear ya. “Heathens”. “The Great Satan”. “Infidels”. “Death to America”. We’ve heard it all before. We didn’t buy it then. And we still don’t buy it. Never will.
Hurry up now! Go on! Buh-bye!
Tramp
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Also, I have a habit of keeping each and every photo ever posted on this site, for future reference or repair or whatnot.
I’m posting this one and then putting it straight into the little desktop trashcan.
I don’t care to see it again.
Fucksticks like this guy don’t rate reruns.
Seeing it once is one time too many for me.
Maybe we should start a collection to buy this guy a one-way ticket back to Dumbfuckistan!
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They say that ‘one-picture is worth a thousand-words’…
And this jerk actually expects to become a viable candidate for President of the USA ???
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Senator Barack Obama , Governor Bill Richardson , Senator Hillary Clinton and Ruth Harkin stand during the national anthem.
Barack Hussein Obama’s photo (that’s his real name)……the article said he REFUSED TO NOT ONLY PUT HIS HAND ON HIS HEART DURING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE, BUT REFUSED TO SAY THE PLEDGE…..how in the hell can a man like this expect to be our next Commander-in-Chief????
Obama: No Hand on Heart for National AnthemBy Mark Finkelstein October 20, 2007 – 16:50 ET
During rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present except those in uniform should stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart. Men not in uniform should remove their headdress with their right hand and hold it at the left shoulder, the hand being over the heart. — United States Code, Title 36, Chapter 10, Sec. 171Turns out that not wearing a flag lapel pin isn’t the only way Barack Obama chooses to show he’s a different kind of Democrat.Have a look at the photo from the October 1, 2007 edition of “Time.” It shows Obama, Hillary and Bill Richardson at the Steak Fry of Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) on September 17 in Indianola , IA during [according to the photo caption] the National Anthem. Richardson and Clinton have their hands on their heart. But not Obama. Does he perhaps believe that, like wearing the flag pin, the hand on the heart isn’t “true patriotism”?”Time” ran the photo without comment. I haven’t seen coverage of this anywhere else in the MSM. Perhaps some enterprising reporter can ask the Illinois senator about his decision to spurn this American tradition.Meanwhile, does Obama have some third act or omission planned to demonstrate that he’s not falling for those corny, old-fashioned displays of patriotism?
J.S.NOTE: The original version of this item, based on a reader submission, stated that the photo was apparently taken during the Pledge of Allegiance. I’ve now located the original “Time” image, whose caption states that it was taken during the National Anthem.
http://newsbusters.org/blogs/mark-finkelstein/2007/10/20/obama-no
From Irene.
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A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the Nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The Nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” says the Nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The Nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
From Carrie.
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Hope your day was MUCH better than this:
This is an oldie but goodie.
AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER’S REPORT
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he’d have received a Darwin Award for sure…….
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry
From Corrine.
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The results from recent research show that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “fuck you.”
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.
There was a lady friend who had twin boys and the only way she could tell them apart was by their balls…
One bawled all day and one bawled all night
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Why do they give old men in retirement homes viagra before putting them to sleep?…
So they don’t roll out of bed.
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Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!
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So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .
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A doe comes out of the woods, tugging at her skirt and says, “That is the last time I do that for two bucks!”
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Q. How do you circumcise a whale ?
A. Send down four skin divers.
For the golfer in Carrie.
Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, “Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me.”
His wife was hurt but said, “Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you.”
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, “I’m sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.”
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit!
He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, “You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul…and all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies tees?!”
Let’s face it people: Some things are sacred!
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