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“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why God? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, “There’s just something about you that pisses me off.” —Stephen King
Can you guess which song I was listening to when I made this up?
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Man Caught Having Sex with a Picnic Table
BELLEVUE, OH — A man in central Ohio is accused of having sex with his picnic table.The investigation began when a tipster gave police three DVDs showing Arthur Price having sexual intercourse with a metal round table on his deck. The incidents occurred between January and March 2008. Police say the DVDs show Price involved in a sex act in his bedroom. He walks out to his deck, tilts the table on its side and has sex with it. Police say Price lives near an elementary school. Price admitted that he had sex with the picnic table when police questioned him. He confirmed to police the incidents caught on the DVDs and said he had also had sex with the table inside the home. Price faces four counts of public indecency. He is free on a $20,000 bond.
Trailer with 20 tons of chocolate stolen
MICHIGAN CITY, Ind. (UPI) — Police said a semi-trailer containing more than 20 tons of Hershey’s chocolate candy has been stolen from a Michigan City, Ind., truck stop. LaPorte County Police Chief of Detectives John Boyd said the thieves likely did not know what the trailer contained, as it was only labeled with the trucking company’s name and the amount of stolen chocolate may be too large to be practical for black market sales. Truck driver Daryl Rey, 58, said he left the trailer Saturday at the Gas City truck stop on U.S. 421 and he returned the next day to find the 53-foot-long trailer, which contained 41,000 pounds of chocolate treats, had been stolen. He said the hidden satellite tracking device had been removed from the trailer, leading him to theorize professional thieves may have taken the load.
These stories come from the people who put together the annual Darwin Awards.
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A 50-year-old man was bird hunting in Upstate New York with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. They stopped for a smoke, and he noticed that his dog had found a bone. It was a deer leg! The man tried to take the bone away from the dog. Like any right thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure, and stayed just out of reach.
Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged. Suddenly the “club” struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. His friends called 911 and he was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries.
He did remain conscious long enough to confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends might now be under suspicion of murder.
At least he didn’t hit the dog!
*****
Snowmobiles and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Then came the rabbit.
After a day spent partying and racing snowmobiles in the wilderness, a group of snowmobilers headed back to their cabin. Up popped a jackrabbit! The snowmobilers gave chase. Several collisions were narrowly averted, and all snowmobiles backed off… except one.
This snowmobiler kept his eye on the quarry and rapidly closed in. The rabbit darted aside to save itself. The snowmobiler closed in again. The rabbit ran toward the road, where there was less snow. Trying to ram his rabbit before it crossed the road, the man accelerated to Mach 1. But the rabbit had other ideas. It escaped into the culvert beneath the road.
Witnesses stated that the snowmobiler never braked. There was a metallic crunch as the accelerating vehicle rammed into the culvert, followed by a blast that shattered the snowmobile into a thousand bits.
This brand of snowmobile had a fuel tank mounted in front. The culvert admitted the tip of the snowmobile, then cut into the cowling, spilling fuel over the hot engine. The body of the snowmobiler was blown twenty feet back into the field.
The rabbit’s whereabouts was unknown.
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A woman in Canada called the narcotics agent to her house, with a complaint that she had been burnt in a drug deal. She claimed that a man had sold her a rock of crack cocaine, but when she brought it home, it “looked like baking powder.” The police dispatched an officer and the rock was tested and verified that, despite its appearance, it was indeed cocaine. The woman was promptly arrested for drug possession. The RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) are encouraging anyone who thinks they may have been fooled into buying fake drugs to come forward.
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A man had the good fortune to raise a healthy marijuana plant in his back yard. But then tragedy struck. He received a phone call from the authorities, saying he was busted but they would not press charges if he brought the bush into the station. Roots and all. So he sadly hacked his 8-foot annual down and carried it into the lobby of the Sheriff’s office, where startled officers took him into custody for suspected felony cultivation. Turns out the phone call was a prank.
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Members of a Norfolk family were lucky to escape with their skins intact when 90 gallons of petrol stored in their garage unexpectedly ignited. What led to the explosion?
It turns out that these candidates for Least Intelligent Lifeform of the Universe had decided to stockpile petrol in readiness for potential fuel blockades. They purchased large water storage cans and began collecting fuel. But the seals on water cans are not suitable for corrosive materials.
The cans leaked, and flammable fumes filled the family garage — which also contained the house’s central heating boiler. When the temperature in the house dropped, the boiler switched on, igniting the fumes and creating a petrol fireball big enough to satisfy a Hollywood director. Although nobody actually died, the family wins an Honorable Mention for their disastrous ingenuity.
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A professional French pickpocket used astoundingly poor judgment when selecting his most recent victim at the Seville Airport. The thief, who specializes in international events that attract crowds of visitors, thought he was in his element when he circled a group of young men and chose his prey. Little did he realize that he was dipping into the bag of Larry Wade, champion 110-meter hurdler for the US Athletic team. He was also spotted by Maurice Green, the fastest sprinter on Earth, capable of running 100 meters in 9.79 seconds. The two athletes quickly chased down the thief despite his hefty head start. The pickpocket attempted to pretend that he was just an innocent French tourist, but the entire episode was captured on film by a Spanish television crew that had been interviewing Mr. Greene at the time. “He chose the wrong man,” deadpanned a spokesman for the Civil Guard.
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Two young men driving a dark-blue two-door vehicle removed a barricade festooned with numerous warning signs indicating bridge closure, drove past several heavy construction vehicles, and launched themselves off the end of a demolished bridge in Albuquerque on Saturday. The car careened across a roadbed of unpaved I-beams before plunging 30 feet and burying its front end in a dirt embankment at the junction of I-25 and I-40. The young men were taken into police custody unharmed. A spokesman for the state Highway and Transportation Department issued a public plea for common sense. “Don’t go through those barricades. Find another route. It’s the only safe thing to do.” The seat belt law is strictly enforced in New Mexico, but unfortunately there is no law against stupidity.
Has anybody seen the bridge?
Where’s that confounded bridge.
-Led Zeppelin
Christobol made the following remark on his site.
“Well, the world is falling apart.”
I left him this comment.
“The world really is falling apart. Prices for everything are ludicrous. Many people have neither values, nor morals. Simple survival is becoming beyond reach for far too many innocent souls. Civilization is truly in jeopardy. And all I want to do is laugh about it.
Why? What’s my other choice?”
Myself, I think that is the only way to view it.
I believe we shouldn’t be too serious about life.
After all, it’s not permanent.
From Sweet.
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Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
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She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
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She’s such a bitch…..
From Irene.
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
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On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
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On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
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On the third day, the Army issued him a jockstrap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
How many of you oldsters remember the old Atari game, ‘Kaboom!’?
Play it again right HERE.
No More Free Beer With a Trim
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (AP) – The owner of Jude’s Barbershops will continue offering haircuts and shaves to his customers, but no more free beer.
The Michigan attorney general’s office says Thomas Martin’s 11 shops in the Grand Rapids area may not hand out a brew with each cut because he needs a liquor license.
Martin says he was just continuing an old-fashioned complimentary service for his customers that started years ago.
Police had told him that handing out free beer violated local and state laws.
From Sweet.
Sweet claims this story is true, so I checked.
She is right, it is a true story!
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ and he said ‘no’. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. ‘Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.’ Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed .
One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’ George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’
(True Story) I LOVE IT – Don’t mess with old people.
From TZ in Chicago.
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I played golf with a drug company sales rep. He told me of a drug that his company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.
The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
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Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
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I drink in moderation.
‘Moderation’ is an imaginary place that exists wherever I am.
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One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, ‘Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?’
‘Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.’
From Southern Girl.
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To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best ‘wishes’, chain letters, ‘angel’ letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,
NONE OF THEM WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send money, chocolate,
movie tickets or gasoline vouchers.
Thank you!
NONE OF THEM WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send money, chocolate,
movie tickets or gasoline vouchers.
Thank you!
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P,S, Or beer!
There is no iron in irony.
Also, there is no phone in phony.
Nor is there any wishing or washing in wishy washy.
Neither is there any need for more of this nonsense!
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Isn’t It Ironic…
1. Online pop-ups offering to help you get rid of online pop-ups advertisements.
2. When your Seeing Eye dog goes blind.
3. Needing to pay someone to help you pay your taxes.
3. Wondering if you are entitled to the deep sense of loss you feel when a celebrity you admire dies.
4. That Valentine’s Day was placed in February, just in case single people who have recovered from the loneliness that Christmas and New Year’s Eve induced.
5. That even the fanciest restaurants suffer from pest-control problems.
6. Wondering who was rude enough to leave an empty roll of toilet paper and then remembering it was you.
7. Tipping the bartender for handing you a bottle of beer, but giving nothing to the guy who pumps your gas in the pouring rain.
8. That we judge balding men by the choices they make in coping with their baldness.
9. That finding your roach traps empty only adds to your fear that they don’t work, instead of reassuring you that you don’t have roaches anymore.
10. That all good things come to an end, but some mediocre things seem to last a very long time.
11. When you wish, as you blow out the candles, is that this be the last birthday you spend with the people around you.
12. Cults that build up huge arsenals, refuse to pay taxes, and complain that the FBI is watching over them.
13. People who refuse to see a psychologist because they don’t need to pay someone to help them out with their issues, but will gladly spend $100 a week at a tanning salon.
14. What most telescopes are used for.
15. When your fear of overpacking causes you to underpack.
16. Paying a toll to cross a bridge when you know you’re going in the wrong direction.
17. The fact that many old people are forced to live out the remainder of their lives in formerly good neighborhoods.
18. Paying three bucks for a cup of soda that’s 70 percent ice.
19. That the most intense laughter you have usually comes at the least appropriate time.
20. That you wouldn’t have the faintest idea if your accountant was ripping you off.
They probably wish they hadn’t.
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“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” – Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
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“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” – Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
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“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” – The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
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“But what is it good for?” – Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
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“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” – Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977
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“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981, commenting on size of RAM in computers
Starbucks Coffee
Nutrasweet Swirl
Magnetic Trading Card Holder
Bonne Bell Smackers
Fiber One Caramel Delight
Xcid
Dexatrim Max20
Colgate Total® Advanced Whitening
Vaseline®Intensive Rescue™
GLAD® ForceFlex® Trash Bags
Curél® Life’s Stages™
Garnier Nutritioniste
Scotch Brite
JNK Garage Floor Sample Kit
Total Cranberry Crunch
Here is a memo I received from Corrine today.
It’s nice to know that people think about you.
I think.
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From Carrie.
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From Irene.
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A guy goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is orange.”
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy’s unit isn’t orange.
Doc tells the guy, “This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.”
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, “How are things going at work?”
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds, “No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.”
So the doc figures this isn’t the reason.
He asks the guy, “How’s your home life?”
The guy says, “Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.”
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says, “No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. Darn, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!”
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?”
The guy replies, “No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!”
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