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A friend of mine asked me for help in filling out an application for a job.
I’ll bet he doesn’t do that again!
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APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: Dumb Guy
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: No way!
From Bobby.
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Drafting Guys over 60—-this is so funny & obviously written by a former soldier.
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New Direction for the war on terrorists.
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Send Service Vets over 60
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing assbackwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
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For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the ‘New army’ now, ‘Get down and give me … ER … one.’
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with ‘attitude’ and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol…..we will have it secured the first night!
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Share this with your senior friends. It’s purposely in big type so they can read it.
I took an interest in this story because I can relate to it.
Bobby and I have been hauling in scrap copper from motors and transformers in our spare time. With the high prices scrap metals are now bringing, copper is the new gold. But we don’t steal our copper, we use scrap parts from my business. And Bobby seems to love air chisels, they fire like a machine gun.
I call him Bobby the Copper Slayer!
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Thief reaches heights for copper wire
DULUTH, Minn. (UPI) — A thief or thieves climbed 360 feet up a cell phone tower for 900 feet of copper wire worth $400 at a recycler, police in Duluth, Minn., say. That’s little more than a $1 a foot vertically or $2.25 a foot of wire ($.44 1/2 per foot, where do these people learn their math? – Tramp), depending on how you look at it. “I can’t believe that,” Tracy Broin, general manager at Arrowhead Tennis and Athletic Center where the tower is located, told the Duluth News Tribune. “It’s not unusual to see people up there, but not trying to cut down stuff.” Duluth Deputy Police Chief Mike Tusken said the theft discovered last week is only the latest incident of what has become a prevalent problem the past three years, the Tribune reported Wednesday. “We’ve had copper stolen from construction sites. We’ve had full spools being stolen from Minnesota Power. We’ve had it torn out and stripped out of walls of homes,” Tusken said. “Spools of copper are like gold. If they can lift it and get it out, they will. They will knock down fences with trucks to get it out.” While the stolen wire is only worth about $400 if sold to a salvage yard, it will cost $6,000 to replace it on the cell phone tower.
Bobby and I have been hauling in scrap copper from motors and transformers in our spare time. With the high prices scrap metals are now bringing, copper is the new gold. But we don’t steal our copper, we use scrap parts from my business. And Bobby seems to love air chisels, they fire like a machine gun.
I call him Bobby the Copper Slayer!
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Thief reaches heights for copper wire
DULUTH, Minn. (UPI) — A thief or thieves climbed 360 feet up a cell phone tower for 900 feet of copper wire worth $400 at a recycler, police in Duluth, Minn., say. That’s little more than a $1 a foot vertically or $2.25 a foot of wire ($.44 1/2 per foot, where do these people learn their math? – Tramp), depending on how you look at it. “I can’t believe that,” Tracy Broin, general manager at Arrowhead Tennis and Athletic Center where the tower is located, told the Duluth News Tribune. “It’s not unusual to see people up there, but not trying to cut down stuff.” Duluth Deputy Police Chief Mike Tusken said the theft discovered last week is only the latest incident of what has become a prevalent problem the past three years, the Tribune reported Wednesday. “We’ve had copper stolen from construction sites. We’ve had full spools being stolen from Minnesota Power. We’ve had it torn out and stripped out of walls of homes,” Tusken said. “Spools of copper are like gold. If they can lift it and get it out, they will. They will knock down fences with trucks to get it out.” While the stolen wire is only worth about $400 if sold to a salvage yard, it will cost $6,000 to replace it on the cell phone tower.
From Mike.
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Stinky paycheck empties bank
DANBURY, Conn. (UPI) — A truly stinky paycheck forced the evacuation of a bank in New Milford, Conn., and a lockdown of a nearby children’s center, police say. Police said after authorities were contacted by the Bank of America regarding a noxious smell Thursday, the New Milford bank was emptied to allow hazardous materials experts to search the premises, the Waterbury (Conn.) Republican-American reported. Children at the Beehive Children’s Center behind the bank were kept inside as a precaution during the search. Police said the unusual smell was eventually traced to a paycheck handled by a man with machine cutting oil on his hands. The check had been deposited at the bank and the smell never dissipated, the Republican-American reported. The emergency precautions were called off after the smelly check was found and the bank was allowed to reopen about an hour after it was closed.
DANBURY, Conn. (UPI) — A truly stinky paycheck forced the evacuation of a bank in New Milford, Conn., and a lockdown of a nearby children’s center, police say. Police said after authorities were contacted by the Bank of America regarding a noxious smell Thursday, the New Milford bank was emptied to allow hazardous materials experts to search the premises, the Waterbury (Conn.) Republican-American reported. Children at the Beehive Children’s Center behind the bank were kept inside as a precaution during the search. Police said the unusual smell was eventually traced to a paycheck handled by a man with machine cutting oil on his hands. The check had been deposited at the bank and the smell never dissipated, the Republican-American reported. The emergency precautions were called off after the smelly check was found and the bank was allowed to reopen about an hour after it was closed.
From Lil Sis Colleen.
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I’m heading out now to go riding with Geno.
Geno and the Tramp riding together again. And Bobby may be joining us.
Watch out World!
Ensure
Agel
Make A Difference $3 donation to your favorite charity
GE Caulk Singles
Nads Gel
Sweet was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in.
A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.
Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Sweet decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.
Along came Geno, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Sweet.
“Come,” he said, “I’ll ride you into town.”
She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him.
Geno said nothing, but after ten minutes Sweet was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, “Tell me, haven’t you noticed that I’m completely naked?”
“Sure,” said Geno. “Haven’t you noticed that we are riding on a girls bike?”
Hot and Sour Soup
One quarter cup dried tree ears mushrooms, measured after soaking
2 medium-sized dried Chinese black mushrooms
6 to 8 dried tiger-lily buds (golden needles)
16 ounces bean curd, well drained
One half cup canned bamboo shoots, drained
4 cups chicken broth1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon soy sauce
4 ounces ground pork, cut into thin slices about 2 inches long
One quarter teaspoon white pepper
2 – 3 Tbsp. red wine vinegar, according to taste
1 Tbsp. rice wine or dry sherry
2 tablespoons cornstarch mixed with 3 tablespoons water
1 egg, beaten
2 teaspoons sesame-seed oil
1 green onion, sliced
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Cover the mushrooms in a small bowl with warm water. (If you cannot find these specific types of mushrooms, use an equal amount of whatever dried mushrooms you can find)
Let them soak for 30 minutes to soften.
Strain mushroom liquid and reserve.
Cut the mushrooms into one quarter inch slices and set aside.
Slice bean curd and bamboo shoots into one quarter inch slices and set aside.
Place the chicken broth in a large pot.
Add the salt, soy sauce, mushroom liquid, mushrooms, bamboo shoots, and ground pork.
Bring to a boil, then lower heat and simmer soup for 3 minutes.
Add the white pepper, red wine vinegar, rice wine or sherry and bean curd.
Return soup to a boil.
Stir the cornstarch mixture and then add to soup.
Slowly add the beaten egg a little at a time while stirring.
Remove the soup from the heat.
Add the sesame-seed oil and sprinkle soup with green onions to serve.
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The Skinny: Use fat free chicken broth and egg substitute.
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SOURCE: Arcamax Chef
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
Tramp says, “I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”
Bobby says, “I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”
Not to be outdone, Geno says, “That’s nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my dad, and coming home with my mom.”
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said…
“Quit your bitching and just be thankful we’re still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!”
From TZ.
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FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he’ll call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind
And knows what to answer to “How big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.
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MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge tits who owns a liquor store.
Amen
She is right, and I owe her an apology.
First, even though I did mention her site, I failed to post a link to it, as I should have.
My bad.
Second, I stated that the stories posted were Darwin Award nominees. They were not, instead they were simply submissions that she had not yet considered for nomination.
Again, my bad.
It’s not a nominee until Wendy says it’s a nominee!
Wendy, please accept my apology for completely screwing up that post.
Be assured that it will not happen again.
And everyone else, please accept my invitation to Wendy’s site this weekend, where Wendy herself will be publicly flogging me for my errors.
And be assured that that won’t happen again!
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can’t go that fast on any road?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
If Pringles are “so good that once you pop, you can’t stop,” why do they come with a resealable lid?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Why does the sun make your skin darker but your hair lighter?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of eight when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
Why is the blackboard green?
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren’t even in the word?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Is the opposite of “out of whack” “in whack”?
Why are toenail clippers bigger than fingernail clippers when your toenails are smaller than your fingernails?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
What’s the opposite of opposite?
Why do we scrub down and wash up?
Why is it when you’re almost dead you’re on death’s doorstep, but when you’re actually dead you’re not in death’s house?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn’t it be called an inlet?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when it’s going down?
Can good-looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why do birds have white poop?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do people never say, “It’s only a game” when they’re winning?
Why is it called eggplant, when there’s no egg in it?
Why are boxing rings square?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up “there” anyway?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do people say, “You scared the living daylights out of me” when daylight is not living?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Why doesn’t a chicken egg taste like chicken?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Does a mail carrier deliver his own mail?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Why is it that lemon dish soap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why are Softballs hard?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next year?
Why is it called a “drive through” if you have to stop?
In France, do people just ask for toast and get French toast? Or do they have to ask for American toast?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
Do they have the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A, B, C, D, F but no E.
Isn’t it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight part in his hair?
Why do they put “for indoor or outdoor use only” on Christmas lights?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called bullshit?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you wore a Teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
What is a male ladybug called?
Since we see little birdies when we just are knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just are knocked out?
Can a person named Nick have a ‘nick’ name?
Do cows drink milk?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why would Superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
If someone can’t see, they’re blind, and if someone can’t hear, they’re deaf. So what do you call people who can’t smell?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
From Corrine.
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It is also a protected species and is not allowed to be exported.
This will be the only way we will be able to view this flower.
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A FLOWER ALL THE WAY FROM THAILAND . .
A FLOWER ALL THE WAY FROM THAILAND . .
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THE VERY RARE PARROT FLOWER
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From Lil Sis Colleen.
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Here’s a laugh for the day…enjoy!
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Southern Girl has provided this visual aid to enhance the comments section on the post, A Great Site.
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From Irene.
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Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit about ‘courting’ from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
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One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did.
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The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, and then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her.”
“I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.”
“I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.”
“His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.”
“About this time, Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.”
“Finally, I found out what was making them so sick– a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.”
“When Sis saw it, she got really scared — her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.”
“Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.”
“All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again.”
“Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors — lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.”
“The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.”
“After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh.”
“Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.”
“Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.”
“I guess eels are like cats — they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel.”
“I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.”
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His mother fainted.
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