You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2008.
From Corrine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008
.
From Irene.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.” The old man said, “There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” Standing with his pants down around his ankles,the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 3 old ladies happily yelled in unison–
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
Dear God,
Did You really mean
“do unto others as they do unto you”?
Because if You did,
then I’m going to fix my brother!
-Darla, Age 8
Geno gave me a new nickname tonight. That’s it, up there. And there is a story to it.
Also, OUCH !!!!! .
.
Tonight we had a pretty good thunderstorm. The National Weather Service warned us to watch out for large hail, damaging winds, and frequent lightning. I was on my bike, but made it home just before the storm.
I went down in my basement (the Dungeon) and was working on the Riverbank site. Bobby called me and told me that the storm was here. I said I wanted to see it. So I walked out onto my patio. I don’t remember everything after that, but Bobby said he heard me screaming.
I had taken about three steps out my door when a bolt of lightning hit me. It hit me on my left thumb, where I was holding my cell phone. It burned a hole in my thumb, traveled up my arm, across my shoulders, and blew a hole in my right forearm where it exited my body. My cell phone melted.
I think I was in shock at that point. It hurt a lot. And it was tremendously bright. But it was silent to me. Bobby said he heard the thunderous boom, but I heard nothing. I think the enormous voltage shut down my hearing.
I would recommend to anyone that they skip this experience if possible. It really hurts. I have a V shaped burn on my left thumb and two holes there, plus a hole in my right forearm, from the lightning’s departure. My joints and my chest hurt quite a bit, even though it happened over six hours ago. I remember wondering why I was getting shocked, and how long it seemed to go on, even though it was probably over in about a tenth of a second.
But I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. Man, does it hurt! I’m glad it didn’t kill me, that would have sucked.
And my melted cell phone still works!
Geno was born standing up and talking back. When the doctor said to his Mom, “Congratulations, it’s a boy”, Geno slapped the doctor and said, “Don’t call me boy!”
Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to Geno.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Geno can stretch diamonds back into coal.
Geno is the only person who can slam a revolving door.
Geno is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Geno does not swim. This is because when Geno enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Geno simply walks across the pool floor.
Geno built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
Helen Keller’s favorite color was Geno.
Geno eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Geno would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
The Sherman tank was originally called the Geno tank until Geno decided it wasn’t tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Geno, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been bad-ass enough to be named after Geno.
Geno does not “style” his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
There is no such thing as global warming. Geno was cold, so he turned the sun up.
It’s widely believed that Jesus was Geno’s stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Geno’s skin.
Geno did, in fact, build Rome in a day.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Geno. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Geno.
Geno once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, insisting that that actually is “his” way.
Contrary to popular belief, Geno doesn’t play God. Playing is for children.
Geno is the only person in the world who can actually email a middle finger.
Geno can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Some kids play ‘Kick the Can’. Geno played ‘Kick the Tanker’.
When Geno was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him twelve year old whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Geno can actually knock you into yesterday.
Geno invented a language that incorporates punches and kicks. So next time Geno is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Fear is not the only emotion Geno can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get my ass kicked by Geno.”
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Geno finds it delicious.
Geno wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
The Bible was originally titled “Geno and Friends”
Geno can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Nagasaki never had an Atomic Bomb dropped on it. Geno jumped out of a plane, hit the ground and punched it.
Warren Zevon was a great artist. I love his music. Everyone knows ‘Werewolves of London’, ‘Excitable Boy’, and ‘Lawyers Guns and 
Money’. But did you know that he wrote ‘Poor Poor Pitiful Me’? And I think his recorded version of it is better than Linda Ronstadt’s. ‘Splendid Isolation’ is one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. And ‘Mr. Bad Example’ is downright funny. Here is a line from that song.
.
Money’. But did you know that he wrote ‘Poor Poor Pitiful Me’? And I think his recorded version of it is better than Linda Ronstadt’s. ‘Splendid Isolation’ is one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. And ‘Mr. Bad Example’ is downright funny. Here is a line from that song..
“I’m very well acquainted with the Seven Deadly Sins,
I keep a busy schedule trying to fit them in.”
.
The reason I bring him up is because there is currently a petition being circulated to induct him into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I can’t believe he isn’t in it already. The people in Cleveland must be slow!
.
If you are like me, sign this petition. It’s an online petition, and I’ve mentioned before that online petitions are not valid because a real petition has to be signed. Well, they got around that by including an app that allows you to sign it right on your computer. See it HERE.
.
Warren is in Heaven now, but he also belongs in the Rock Hall. More so than many who are there.
.
Thanks for the great music Warren, and say hi to God for me. He took you for your music, you know?
I love to go fast. Always have, and always will.
.
Some people don’t however. And that’s okay with me, I use it to my advantage.
.
For example, I had a certain individual ask me for a ride on my bike the other day. This was a person I’d rather not take along with me when I’m riding my scoot. And I knew he didn’t like to go fast.
.
So off we went, holding a steady ninety on the Harley’s clock. We arrived at our destination, which was Stewie’s place, and this person bitched about my high-speed ride. I responded with, “You shouldn’t have got on if you didn’t want to go fast!”
.
When it was time to leave, he made me promise not to go ninety on the way back. I gave him my vow, and I am not a liar. True to my word, we did not go ninety. We went a hundred. ..
Hey, a hundred ain’t ninety. Besides, when I ride with Geno, we cruise at a buck fifteen. That’s how Geno rides, and it doesn’t bother me. I like it. A lot. And I always will.
.
In my defense, I was racing motorcycles at the Pro level when I was twelve years old. When I turned sixteen, my first car was a five hundred horsepower Z28 Camaro (which I still have).
.
Going fast is in my upbringing, and I do it well. I have never been killed (this I can prove), nor have I killed anyone else.
.
I just absolutely and completely love speed. I believe the words used by Molly Hatchet in their song, ‘Flirting With Disaster’ are accurate, where they said, “I’ve got the pedal to the floor, my life is running faster”.
.
The fastest I’ve gone on a bike was a buck thirty one. In my car, one fifty five. And the fastest I’ve ever gone was seven hundred and fifty miles per hour (that was in a jet chartered by the U.S. Navy).
.
Still, I want to go faster.
.
And I already know that no matter how fast I go, it won’t be enough. I’ll always need more.
.
I love to go fast.
.
.
From Geno.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.
The Guys’ Rules
The Guys’ Rules
.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys’ side of the story.
We always hear “the rules” from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
.
Please note. These are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
.
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
From Alrad.
~~~~~~~~~~~
This is weird, but interesting!
.
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
From Irene.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Worcester, MA, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’ s Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
“Can you give me some more details about this?” he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files and replies, “Oh yes, here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’ s examination. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Providence RI. That’s about 100 miles from here.”
“Oh why, is that where the job’s at?”
“No sir – that’s where the end of the line is!”
Good Stuff? – A Behind-the-Scenes Guide to the Things We Buy
Epigrammies - “It is ironic that irony hardly ever involves iron.”
From Corrine.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Two rednecks, Billy Bob and Willie, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Billy Bob turns to Willie and says, ‘You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.’ Willy thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Billy Bob goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
‘Logic?’ Billy Bob says. ‘What’s that?’
The dean says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.’
‘That’s true, I do have a yard.’
‘I’m not done yet,’ the dean says. ‘Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.’
‘Yes, I do have a house.’
‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’
‘Yes, I have a family.’
‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.’
‘I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.’Excited to take the class now, Billy Bob shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Willie at the bar. He tells Willie about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
‘Logic?’ Willie says, ‘What’s that?’
Billy Bob says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?’
‘No.’
‘Then you’re a queer.’
From Corrine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INTERESTING OBSERVATION?
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and……..
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
.
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
From Corrine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INTERESTING OBSERVATION?
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and……..
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
.
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
From Corrine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INTERESTING OBSERVATION?
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and……..
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
.
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
From Corrine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INTERESTING OBSERVATION?
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and……..
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
.
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
From Corrine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INTERESTING OBSERVATION?
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and……..
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
.
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
From Corrine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INTERESTING OBSERVATION?
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and……..
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
.
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
From Corrine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INTERESTING OBSERVATION?
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and……..
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
.
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Recent Comments