You are currently browsing the daily archive for April 3, 2006.
Any Van Morrison fans out there? Have you heard all of his music? Think so?
Back in 1967, Van was struggling. He signed with Bang Records because he was strapped for cash. He hated that label. He was obligated to them for one more record which he didn’t want to give them. They said he had to. Contract and all. So he decided he’d show them. And thus the ‘Bang Records Contratual Obligation’ record was born. Funny stuff. I can see the look on Bang Records execs faces now.
Wanna hear it? For free? Why not, that’s my favorite price. Here. Or maybe I should have said hear. Right click on the song and hit ‘Save Target As’ to entertain friends later. Ringworm and All The Bits are my favorites. He knows how funny it is . You can hear him lose it on Chickee Coo.
A fella at Red Tongue, Ira Hirsh, received his first hate email from this fella. I like his response. It is listed here in it’s entirety. Red Tongue is a great site. The post referred to is funny and is posted here. The original email received by Ira cannot be posted here, but can be found on his site.
From: “ira hirsh” Print View
Date: 20 Dec 16:25 (PST)
To: ewagner10@*******.com
Subject: RE: miniature golf course rant
Are you going to be my penpal? How about giving me
your phone number? We can talk about all kinds of good
stuff. As for the death thing, Eric, we all die. Even
you do. At some point every living thing must end its
existence. So, what did you do today? Did you go to
the beach? What’s your favorite color? Do you watch
much television? What’s your favorite show? What’s
your favorite sport? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you
keep in contact with your parents? Do you like to go
to parties? What kind of music do you listen to?
What’s your religion? Do you believe in God? Have you
ever gone skiing? What’s your favorite book? Do you
like art? Do you like comic books? Do you moisturize
after bathing? How long have you lived here? Why are
you obsessed with overweight people? Are you
overweight? Do people make fun of you? Do your
manboobs make you feel sad? Did the bad boys pull your
underwear up your butt crack again? Do you feel
powerless? Do you feel like the entire weight of the
world is upon your sloping shoulders? It isn’t, my
little buddy. You can have your manboobs surgically
removed. Your stretch marks can be soothed with
moisturizer. Your buck teeth can be fixed with braces.
Your knock knees can be repaired with surgery. Stop
wearing your pants so high up. The girls don’t like
that. Change your underwear at least twice a week.
Isn’t it getting crusty down there?
Take care, my pal,
Ira
Please visit these websites to help people. They cost you nothing and really do help. Thank you. I knew I could count on you. Don’t you feel better knowing you helped.
The Hunger Site
The Child Health Site
The Animal Rescue Site
The Literacy Site
I visit these sites every day and have for years. I always feel better for helping.
This is a transcript from a court appearance according to Gary Apple at stupid.com. It involves a product called ‘Instant Irish Accent’, a product you spray in your mouth. I think it’s great.
Docket #23VB55-W99622bThe State of New York vs Stupid.com
OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT
ATTORNEY: Can you state your name and title for the court, please.
MR. STUPID: Gary Apple. I’m the President — Not of the United States.Just Stupid.com.
ATTORNEY: And you also go under the name… Mr. Stupid?
MR. STUPID: Uh, huh.
ATTORNEY:So tell the court… Mr. Stupid… Just when did you begin selling Instant Irish Accent Mouth Spray?
MR. STUPID: In February of 2005.
ATTORNEY: Were you aware at the time that the product did not actually work?
MR. STUPID: It didn’t?
ATTORNEY: You mean you didn’t even TRY a product you’re selling?
MR. STUPID: Someone sells Electric Chairs. Do you think they try them?
ATTORNEY: Judge, please note that Mr. Stupid is a hostile witness.
MR. STUPID: Say that again and I’ll kill you!
ATTORNEY: Since you didn’t try the Instant Irish Accent spray, what made you think it would work?
MR. STUPID: It says so on the label.
ATTORNEY: Do you believe everything you read?
MR. STUPID: Not everything. For instance, I read your resume.
ATTORNEY: Perhaps you’d like to try some of your Irish Accent spray to see the kind of misleading products you sell.
MR. STUPID: Okay, I’ll try it… Mmmmm, it’s very tasty.
ATTORNEY: Taste is not the issue here. You claim that…
MR. STUPID: Faith and Begorrah! May the shamrocks always shine on your shaleleigh!
ATTORNEY: Judge, I object! The defendant is clearly faking it!
MR. STUPID:As sure as yer wife did last night, laddy! Pour me a Guinness and call me Seamus!ATTORNEY: Your honor, Mr. Stupid is pretending to be a dumb drunk Irishman.
JUDGE O’GRADY:Begorrah, you say? A dumb drunk Irishman, is it now? Case dismissed! Come with me, Mr. Stupid, and I’ll buy ya’ a pint at the pub.
I have discovered the scripts to the most important television show ever produced. We are making arraingments with the Smithsonian as we speak. Wait, maybe that title should have been hysterical.
A fella at Red Tongue, Ira Hirsh, received his first hate email from this fella. I like his response. It is listed here in it’s entirety. Red Tongue is a great site. The post referred to is funny and is posted here. The original email received by Ira cannot be posted here, but can be found on his site.
From: “ira hirsh” Print View
Date: 20 Dec 16:25 (PST)
To: ewagner10@*******.com
Subject: RE: miniature golf course rant
Are you going to be my penpal? How about giving me
your phone number? We can talk about all kinds of good
stuff. As for the death thing, Eric, we all die. Even
you do. At some point every living thing must end its
existence. So, what did you do today? Did you go to
the beach? What’s your favorite color? Do you watch
much television? What’s your favorite show? What’s
your favorite sport? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you
keep in contact with your parents? Do you like to go
to parties? What kind of music do you listen to?
What’s your religion? Do you believe in God? Have you
ever gone skiing? What’s your favorite book? Do you
like art? Do you like comic books? Do you moisturize
after bathing? How long have you lived here? Why are
you obsessed with overweight people? Are you
overweight? Do people make fun of you? Do your
manboobs make you feel sad? Did the bad boys pull your
underwear up your butt crack again? Do you feel
powerless? Do you feel like the entire weight of the
world is upon your sloping shoulders? It isn’t, my
little buddy. You can have your manboobs surgically
removed. Your stretch marks can be soothed with
moisturizer. Your buck teeth can be fixed with braces.
Your knock knees can be repaired with surgery. Stop
wearing your pants so high up. The girls don’t like
that. Change your underwear at least twice a week.
Isn’t it getting crusty down there?
Take care, my pal,
Ira
These are some statements made on the TV show ‘Hollywood Squares’.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes!
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries!
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason reported that he firmly believes in them and has already seen them on at least 2 occasions.
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
This is a transcript from a court appearance according to Gary Apple at stupid.com. It involves a product called ‘Instant Irish Accent’, a product you spray in your mouth. I think it’s great.
Docket #23VB55-W99622bThe State of New York vs Stupid.com
OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT
ATTORNEY: Can you state your name and title for the court, please.
MR. STUPID: Gary Apple. I’m the President — Not of the United States.Just Stupid.com.
ATTORNEY: And you also go under the name… Mr. Stupid?
MR. STUPID: Uh, huh.
ATTORNEY:So tell the court… Mr. Stupid… Just when did you begin selling Instant Irish Accent Mouth Spray?
MR. STUPID: In February of 2005.
ATTORNEY: Were you aware at the time that the product did not actually work?
MR. STUPID: It didn’t?
ATTORNEY: You mean you didn’t even TRY a product you’re selling?
MR. STUPID: Someone sells Electric Chairs. Do you think they try them?
ATTORNEY: Judge, please note that Mr. Stupid is a hostile witness.
MR. STUPID: Say that again and I’ll kill you!
ATTORNEY: Since you didn’t try the Instant Irish Accent spray, what made you think it would work?
MR. STUPID: It says so on the label.
ATTORNEY: Do you believe everything you read?
MR. STUPID: Not everything. For instance, I read your resume.
ATTORNEY: Perhaps you’d like to try some of your Irish Accent spray to see the kind of misleading products you sell.
MR. STUPID: Okay, I’ll try it… Mmmmm, it’s very tasty.
ATTORNEY: Taste is not the issue here. You claim that…
MR. STUPID: Faith and Begorrah! May the shamrocks always shine on your shaleleigh!
ATTORNEY: Judge, I object! The defendant is clearly faking it!
MR. STUPID:As sure as yer wife did last night, laddy! Pour me a Guinness and call me Seamus!ATTORNEY: Your honor, Mr. Stupid is pretending to be a dumb drunk Irishman.
JUDGE O’GRADY:Begorrah, you say? A dumb drunk Irishman, is it now? Case dismissed! Come with me, Mr. Stupid, and I’ll buy ya’ a pint at the pub.
Any Van Morrison fans out there? Have you heard all of his music? Think so?
Back in 1967, Van was struggling. He signed with Bang Records because he was strapped for cash. He hated that label. He was obligated to them for one more record which he didn’t want to give them. They said he had to. Contract and all. So he decided he’d show them. And thus the ‘Bang Records Contratual Obligation’ record was born. Funny stuff. I can see the look on Bang Records execs faces now.
Wanna hear it? For free? Why not, that’s my favorite price. Here. Or maybe I should have said hear. Right click on the song and hit ‘Save Target As’ to entertain friends later. Ringworm and All The Bits are my favorites. He knows how funny it is . You can hear him lose it on Chickee Coo.
These are some statements made on the TV show ‘Hollywood Squares’.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes!
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries!
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason reported that he firmly believes in them and has already seen them on at least 2 occasions.
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
A fella at Red Tongue, Ira Hirsh, received his first hate email from this fella. I like his response. It is listed here in it’s entirety. Red Tongue is a great site. The post referred to is funny and is posted here. The original email received by Ira cannot be posted here, but can be found on his site.
From: “ira hirsh” Print View
Date: 20 Dec 16:25 (PST)
To: ewagner10@*******.com
Subject: RE: miniature golf course rant
Are you going to be my penpal? How about giving me
your phone number? We can talk about all kinds of good
stuff. As for the death thing, Eric, we all die. Even
you do. At some point every living thing must end its
existence. So, what did you do today? Did you go to
the beach? What’s your favorite color? Do you watch
much television? What’s your favorite show? What’s
your favorite sport? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you
keep in contact with your parents? Do you like to go
to parties? What kind of music do you listen to?
What’s your religion? Do you believe in God? Have you
ever gone skiing? What’s your favorite book? Do you
like art? Do you like comic books? Do you moisturize
after bathing? How long have you lived here? Why are
you obsessed with overweight people? Are you
overweight? Do people make fun of you? Do your
manboobs make you feel sad? Did the bad boys pull your
underwear up your butt crack again? Do you feel
powerless? Do you feel like the entire weight of the
world is upon your sloping shoulders? It isn’t, my
little buddy. You can have your manboobs surgically
removed. Your stretch marks can be soothed with
moisturizer. Your buck teeth can be fixed with braces.
Your knock knees can be repaired with surgery. Stop
wearing your pants so high up. The girls don’t like
that. Change your underwear at least twice a week.
Isn’t it getting crusty down there?
Take care, my pal,
Ira
This is a transcript from a court appearance according to Gary Apple at stupid.com. It involves a product called ‘Instant Irish Accent’, a product you spray in your mouth. I think it’s great.
Docket #23VB55-W99622bThe State of New York vs Stupid.com
OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT
ATTORNEY: Can you state your name and title for the court, please.
MR. STUPID: Gary Apple. I’m the President — Not of the United States.Just Stupid.com.
ATTORNEY: And you also go under the name… Mr. Stupid?
MR. STUPID: Uh, huh.
ATTORNEY:So tell the court… Mr. Stupid… Just when did you begin selling Instant Irish Accent Mouth Spray?
MR. STUPID: In February of 2005.
ATTORNEY: Were you aware at the time that the product did not actually work?
MR. STUPID: It didn’t?
ATTORNEY: You mean you didn’t even TRY a product you’re selling?
MR. STUPID: Someone sells Electric Chairs. Do you think they try them?
ATTORNEY: Judge, please note that Mr. Stupid is a hostile witness.
MR. STUPID: Say that again and I’ll kill you!
ATTORNEY: Since you didn’t try the Instant Irish Accent spray, what made you think it would work?
MR. STUPID: It says so on the label.
ATTORNEY: Do you believe everything you read?
MR. STUPID: Not everything. For instance, I read your resume.
ATTORNEY: Perhaps you’d like to try some of your Irish Accent spray to see the kind of misleading products you sell.
MR. STUPID: Okay, I’ll try it… Mmmmm, it’s very tasty.
ATTORNEY: Taste is not the issue here. You claim that…
MR. STUPID: Faith and Begorrah! May the shamrocks always shine on your shaleleigh!
ATTORNEY: Judge, I object! The defendant is clearly faking it!
MR. STUPID:As sure as yer wife did last night, laddy! Pour me a Guinness and call me Seamus!ATTORNEY: Your honor, Mr. Stupid is pretending to be a dumb drunk Irishman.
JUDGE O’GRADY:Begorrah, you say? A dumb drunk Irishman, is it now? Case dismissed! Come with me, Mr. Stupid, and I’ll buy ya’ a pint at the pub.
These are some statements made on the TV show ‘Hollywood Squares’.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes!
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries!
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason reported that he firmly believes in them and has already seen them on at least 2 occasions.
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
If you are married, this is a must read.
The Wife Translations Guide
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It’s your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You’ll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I don’t want you to
The wife says: I’m not upset
The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron
The wife says: You’re… so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.
The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I’m sorry
The wife means: You’ll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I’m not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.
The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it
The wife means: I’m still building up steam.
Everyone seems to like urban legends. There you go.
If you are married, this is a must read.
The Wife Translations Guide
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It’s your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You’ll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I don’t want you to
The wife says: I’m not upset
The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron
The wife says: You’re… so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.
The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I’m sorry
The wife means: You’ll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I’m not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.
The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it
The wife means: I’m still building up steam.
Everyone seems to like urban legends. There you go.
If you are married, this is a must read.
The Wife Translations Guide
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It’s your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You’ll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I don’t want you to
The wife says: I’m not upset
The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron
The wife says: You’re… so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.
The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I’m sorry
The wife means: You’ll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I’m not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.
The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it
The wife means: I’m still building up steam.
Everyone seems to like urban legends. There you go.
I have the corrected link to Judi’s Crows Nest. The other one took you to World Crossing’s homepage. This takes you right there. You’ll find me there making trouble. Come help me give Judi grief.
Tramps Riverbank II 
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